Here is what I have thus far, I have a full draft by Thursday, I'm hoping to have a few print outs if anybody wants their thesis commented and marked up we do an exchange, or if you just love editing things that's cool to hehe. Feedback appreciated but in person is the way I like to work, if you see me let me know.
Kent, you have done a beautiful job organizing information for your project. A few things would make the focus and purpose of the project clearer. When you originally talked about extending OMSI, I had the idea that it would be more basic science research, with long term goals. Your initial pages talk all about the application of scientific findings to the green technology marketplace. That shifts the nature of the work from scientific exploration for knowledge to engineering prototypes. It could shift the work from labs to workshops. In other words, rather than creating the bioluminescent compounds, they'd be looking at how to put it into wallpaper for the market. On spread7, the mix of public/private funding implies you take a more balanced approach : the federal research could be funding basic science while the private capitol could be more results oriented. I believe it would be closer to the OMSI educational mission if every project didn't have to be market-ready.
ReplyDeleteOn making the document itself more user-friendly…Currently the transition is abrupt in beginning spread2 on the Innovation Economy. You could set it up on page 1 by beginning with the concept of Innovation and explaining that green technology would be part of stimulating an Innovation Economy, solving the financial doldrums that Portland currently faces. Because spread7 is also on economics, it could be merged or subsequent to spread2. Try rewriting the last paragraph of spread2, as it sounds like an apology, it should be more positive and pro-active like the rest of the text.
I like the idea that your building would cater to helping different personality types work together. Since your diagram shows many types of people, your text could briefly discuss each of the main ones listed (visitors, admin staff, business). From our department, I know the big gap is between the dreamer professors (INTJ on Myers-Briggs) and the pragmatic admin staff. Some people say that everyone is either a dog or a cat.
I liked the way you included citations. This is especially important if you make bold statements, such as the U.S. dropping from 1st to 4th nation in terms of innovation ? or is it Global Competitiveness?, Portland being the most sustainable city in the U.S., Oregon being a leader in Green Chemistry. Perhaps in a footnote provide a little more context about how that was measured. Did you previously cite Portland's 5 year economic plan to support for your argument for the program?
I iike your site maps very much - again cite a source if they are by others. You could put a light tone on your site to show how it relates to the corridors, perhaps indicate the likely entrance to your complex. You could color code the icons to match the paths. I assume you are showing the existing condition. You could also create a diagram of green space.
Your word diagrams and charts are a great organizing tool. To make your book come alive, please include images with them. Ziba creates prototype characters and illustrates their faces, values, and visual preferences with images.
One aspect that is underdeveloped is the connection to nature. You say you want an environment that supports non-humans, maybe you need to create a program for the birds, fish and butterflies as well as the humans. How will your built environment reflect that it is working on green technology to the public?
Typo: "reduces impact on the …." sentence is cut off on spread6
You have a very strong start. Tighten up the text, add pictures to make it more compelling and you are on your way…
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